My Latest Obsession: YouTube Tutorials

I'm not sure when I'll ever be called upon to create glass balls, but when the time comes, I'll be ready. Thank you, abnerzco and Nick Davis. Thank you.

By the way, the above is one of my earlier efforts. I'm still perfecting the design. Below is one of my more recent creations.

Ed McMahon Killed By Drunk Driver

It's been a truly sad day today, made even sadder now by the news that Johnny Carson's sidekick, Ed McMahon, was struck and killed by an out-of-control RV on Mulholland Drive this afternoon. If Ed were alive, and heard the same news about someone else, he'd probably say "HEY oh". But he's NOT with us. And the reason he's not with us is because someone decided to get behind the wheel of an RV while intoxicated. If this news makes you upset, well, it should. Even if it's completely fabricated.

Sometimes when you have a really important message for people to hear, you need to say it in a way that will cause them to cry, even if you're a school teacher. Especially if you're a school teacher. The best way for kids to learn about the dangers of drinking and driving, is to claim a fellow classmate has died--preferably one of the popular, good-looking classmates. Inflicting emotional trauma on young people is in their best interest because it will help prevent dangerous behavior in the future. It's why I tell those closest to me that I have inoperable lung cancer. Because I don't want the people I love most to start smoking. Sadly, many of those people took up smoking right after I informed them of my inoperable AIDS as a way to teach them about the dangers of unprotected sex. The point is, to get people to understand the truth, you sometimes have to lie. And the folks at Mothers Against Drunk Driving who devised this program get that.

Republican Gives New Meaning to "Hardened Criminal"

Ah what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to blow a man in his sleep. Wait, is that how that quote goes? I always get it wrong. Nevertheless, future young republicans will do well to observe the sentiment if they want to avoid the fate of Glen Murphy Junior who recently pleaded guilty to performing oral sex on a sleeping man. Yes. The victim was sleeping. Because, you know, men typically have to be tricked into receiving oral stimulation. It's not as if a guy could just walk into a bar somewhere and find a willing participant. It would never happen. So rather than face impossible odds, Glenn Murphy chose to make a pass at the guy in the bunk bed below him. It's always better to make a pass at someone when he's sleeping to avoid any awkwardness. Anyway, I congratulate Murphy for pleading guilty and wish him the best of luck in the future.

Best part of the article? The animated ad for Fischer's hot dogs featuring a hot dog flying into a man's gaping mouth. Could that really be a coincidence? Really?

High Gas Prices: The Silver Lining

Rising fuel costs have prompted local and state governments to explore new ways to cut costs, and possibly Johnny Law's waistline. According to "USA Today", cops across the country will be driving a lot less. Some will even be forced to (gasp) walk.

I have yet to see an increase in cops walking through my neighborhood, but as soon as I do, I'm robbing the nearest liquor store. In fact, I encourage other Americans to follow suit. Go out and commit minor crimes that will force our men and women in uniform to give chase. At this stage in the game, you can probably outrun them. Under normal circumstances I'd advise folks to escape in a getaway vehicle but, you know, gas prices being what they are...

Start Spreading the News...

If you can get it there, you can get it anywhere...

People Are Allergic to WiFi?

Folks in Santa Fe are suing the city claiming they're allergic to Wi-Fi. I find that I get a horrible rash and the shakes if I'm away from Wi-Fi for more than 24 hours. I just wish there were somebody I could sue when it happens.

Stalking Ashton and Demi

How do I know I'm in LA again? Because in all my hikes in the Bay Area, not once did anyone ask me, "Did you see Ashton and Demi up there?" I was exiting the off-leash area on the lower East side of the park and a man was leaning against the gate wearing a leather jacket and backpack. He wanted to know how far it was to the top. It seemed like it would be quite a ways if one attempted to make the trip in a leather jacket, since everyone else was shirtless or in bikini tops. After he asked about Ashton and Demi, it clicked. This guy was a papparazzo who REALLY didn't want to have to hike a canyon to get the shot. So if you see a pic of Aston and Demi hiking with their dogs, know that the man who took it had to earn it. I probably should have made some stuff up, "Did I SEE them? EVERYONE saw them. They were making out like they were hopped up on E."

Happy Tax Day

I hope none of the money I've given the government this year goes to education or a health care system that works for everyone. I've got my fingers crossed that it's all going to weaponry and destruction. You know, to keep us safer. I wish citizens had more control over where our taxes went. I would love it if our tax dollars went to specific items, kind of like a really large bridal registry. And we all had until April 15th to pick out what to buy. Me? I'd get monogramed towels for Pentagon employees and an RPG or two. And it would be nice to get a thank you note back. "Dear Laura, thank you SO much for the towels. All the generals comment on their softness. And your RPG was just used in a training exercise at Camp Pendleton! Sincerely, The I.R.S."